Tag Archives: funny

I don’t want to grow up…

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“I can’t wait to grow up! When I’m an adult, I’m going to stay up late, buy what I want, eat what I want, do whatever I want!” How many of you remember saying this? I know I did and I still hear it on a daily basis from my own children. It’s funny how things change…

“How do they change?” you ask. Well I’ll tell you! When you’re a kid, you spend so much time dreaming about growing up and making your own rules! The act of eating dessert for breakfast consumes your thoughts. The idea of playing with your toys early into the morning hours is exhilarating and dangerous! You plan on sleeping as late as you want and never taking a bath. You’ll laugh at the thought of having to ask to watch what you want on TV. Happy Meals will be your staple meal every. day. of. the. week. Not only will you order as many Happy Meals as you want but you’ll also go ahead and spring for that dipped cone! Everyone will be jealous of your shiny red sports car, the real one, not the one on the video game. Although, it will be an exact replica of that one. Oh and that little lie your mom and dad tell you about not having any money when you want that special, new toy, well it’s just that a dirty, rotten lie…you think…Yep, when you grow up you’re gonna buy all the new toys the day they come out and you’re getting a dog, scratch that you’re gettin’ ten dogs…and a cat! When you grow up, you’re gonna RULE!!!!!!

And, then you blink and you are a thirty-two year old “grown up”, married with kids. Being grown up isn’t quite how you pictured it. Sure you could stay up as late as you want but it’s not nearly as fun as you thought it was going to be. You quickly discovered what you’re parents were doing up so late. They weren’t playing Monopoly and watching cartoons while eating big bowls of cereal. They were cleaning up your messes and getting things ready to do it all over again the next day. When you were a kid you kicked and screamed because you had to go to bed, now you kick and scream because you WANT to go to bed, but there’s just, still. too. much. left. to. do! So much for those Happy Meals you planned on eating until your heart’s content. Now you know your heart’s content” depends on NOT eating greasy Happy Meals, but instead opting for the salad. Who need’s clogged arteries?

sweet brown

You also soon realize…mommy and daddy weren’t lying about not having any money! Oh the atrocity! Sooooo……you’re married with children huh? How’s that TV watchin’ working out for ya now? Before you had to ask your parents, now you have to ask your spouse and kids! A person can only handle so much “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” SPONGEBOB, that’s who, now quit asking!!! If I was Squidward I’d hide too….. It was a sad day when you went to the car lot and realized you’re whole family couldn’t fit in that little red sports car….what do you mean it doesn’t fit eight! Now you’re back to square one, but instead of saying “when I grow up” you find yourself saying “when my kids grow up…..I’m getting that little red car!” “Honey, can we get a dog?” you ask your loving spouse. “NO” is the only reply you get. You’re a grown up and you’re still asking for a dog:) Heck, you can’t even have that dipped cone you were hoping for because your body retains too much fat! You don’t rule, you still have rules!

You now sit and listen to your children say “I can’t wait to grow up!” while you’re telling them “Oh yes you can!” I decided that being an adult is nothing but a glorified kid with responsibilities! Instead of having to ask your parents, you have to ask your husband or your wife! Now we can only dream of being made to go to bed or lay down for naps! Those were the days…when your meals were prepared for you, your clothes washed and ready for you to put on, your sheets were clean and your pillows were fluffy:) When your only worry was trying NOT to get grounded from the TV before the new episode of The Wonder Years came on. Now when you lay your head down at night to go to sleep, with thoughts running wild through your head, you find yourself singing the old tune…”I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toy’s R Us kid…..”

XOXOXO~
~Mommamamom~

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50 Shades of….Shame?

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“Why For! OH MY GOSH…put that book down! I thought I told you to NEVER look at my book EVER!” I screamed this as I walked into the room to find our oldest, studying a book that I had been reading. “Mama, this book has a bad word in it, it says F….” expresses Why For, innocently. Well, I’m sure by this point you are probably wondering at least two things. Number one…Why in the world would I forbid my child to look at my book, and number two….exactly what kind of book was I reading? Let me just tell ya, when it comes to the world we live in today it’s not just black and white anymore, there are a lot of Grey areas…Fifty Shades of Grey to be exact:) Haha!

Yes, I admit I read ALL the Fifty Shades books. I read them like I was in the witness protection program. I read them while wearing dark shades and a blonde wig! You all know what I’m talking about! You read it too. Didn’t you? How could anyone not be a little intrigued? What with women everywhere you looked, hurriedly pushing their carts through the grocery store in eager attempts to get the heck out of there and get home to their books. Women throwing sequels to the first one in their shopping carts and then piling the Charmin Ultra on top so nobody would see the shame that was awaiting them when they dug it out of the sack at home, but not before using the self checkout in an attempt to hide the smut, even from the checker. Throughout offices, churches, schools, hospitals there were hushed whispers of red rooms, chains and whips, mesmerizing eyes, and an oddly attractive young woman named Anastasia.

While reading the book, I found myself checking over my shoulder numerous times and turning as red as the walls of Mr. Grey’s pleasure room:) When people would ask “What are you reading” I would reply in a paranoid, high pitched, cracking voice…”What? Oh what am I reading? Oh um nothing, I mean it’s nothing, it’s just uh um oh you know one of those be a better parent books!” Of course, to be honest after the first day of receiving the book from a friend of mine I went straight home and got to reading. After reading the first few chapters I called my other friend and said “Oh Whitey, have I got the book for you!” Whitey was always saying…”I don’t have time to read” I hounded her non stop until she gave it a try and then we both pushed it on our gal pal Teener. Whom of course was instantly hooked!

My point here is the book Fifty Shades of Grey infiltrated the lives of women across the world like Justin Beiber’s haircut found its home on thousands of twelve year old boys’ heads across America. Yes, we were ashamed and exhilarated! Men were dropping to their knees with tears streaming down their cheeks crying up to the sky with praying hands uttering Thank you, thank you! Babies were being conceived and onesies were were flying off the shelves with cutesie little sayings such as 9 months ago my mom read fifty shades of grey.

This morning on the Today Show, they released the official trailer for the movie version of this risqué trilogy, well in true Mr. Grey fashion they could only show a portion of it because the full trailer was “too hot for morning TV” according to a writer for the Today Show website.  What does this mean for all of us secret and not so secret Grey fans?  HOLD ONTO YOUR HANDCUFFS CHICAS…February 13 is only 203 days away! Can I get a Vicki Gunvalson, Real House Wives of Orange County….. WOO HOO!!!!

XOXOXO~

~Mommamamom~

 

***DISCLAIMERS***

***I did in fact read and enjoy all of the Fifty Shades of Grey books.

***Our sixth child is questioned by some, to be a result of the Grey phenomenon……

***The fact that I like the Grey Books does not make me any less of a good steward of God, the fact that I admit to it probably makes me a better one! Keep it real people, no need to hide who you really are:)

***Why For never picked up another one of my books again…………….

 

Girl, Don’t you know what causes that?…Part Deux

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It all started Saturday morning. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to the birds chirping and a gentle breeze rustling my bedroom curtains. Hahahaha, okay, okay, so I rolled outta bed around 9 to a horrid screeching noise that sounded like it was painfully escaping…is that Why for, no, nope, definitely not, its Sporty McGee! You see Sporty McGee thinks that these God awful, unnatural, throaty sounds that he can make are cute. So FAR from cute, bordering on, if you don’t stop I’m going to rip you voice box out! Anyway, I scramble out the tangled mess of blankets that have unsuccessfully tried to eat me in the middle of the night. I’m. Going. to. strangle. that. child. Or maybe I’ll just have to breathe on him and the stank from my morning breath (post hot tamales before bed party) will silence him into submission. I start screaming “Sporty McGee SHUT IT! Everybody, get dressed quick, we got us some shopping to do!” The kids all of a sudden burst out into excited chatter, “oh shopping!” “Mama, I want an Xbox One” “Can I get Titanfall?” “Bad A** I need some new shoes!” My head jerks around as I’m clearing my throat, “Ummmm excuse ME Sporty McGee, what did you just say?” insert awkward silence here.  (Sporty McGee frequently forgets he just a young pup) “I said awesome Mom, I need some new shoes” insert oops busted, smile here.  “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said” I say this as I’m giving him the eye. The eye as in ‘boy I’m gonna whoop yo butt’, the eye as in ‘yo betta watch yoself’, or the eye as in “SHE’S GONNA BLOoOoOW!”  ~ “Oh silly children, we aren’t going shopping for you! Tomorrow’s Father’s Day, we gotta go get your Daddy something.” I explain in my best fairytale telling voice.  As I’m sure most of you know, a fairytale telling voice is one that is spoken in a sing song manner.  “Now get dressed PRONTO! I’m leaving in 5.” hahaha! Yeah right maybe 5 minutes in a Walgreens world (remember those commercials?)

Sooooo, an hour later we are all piled in the car ready to start our Father’s Day shopping extravaganza…first stop Atwoods!  We roll into Atwoods and SCORE (my life is all about “winning” these days) find a spot right next to the cart return! Oh yes, the days of parking as far away from that monstrosity so the car doesn’t banged up are loooong gone! Psshhhh! Besides, a dent from a runaway cart would go nicely with the side scratch from Butter Beans bike:) After I pull into the coveted spot and throw the bus into park, I bow my head dramatically as if I’m praying(I actually am praying for my sanity and patience) but I do this to quiet the congregation.  When I dramatically bow my head my little stars usually start saying “I didn’t do it!” before they quiet and listen to what the Big Kahuna has to say.  I slowly turn to face them and I speak in a quiet and gruff voice, I say “So help me Mother Mary, if ya’ll act up in here YOU WONT WANT TO SEE THE OUTCOME, make me proud kids, make me proud” After our little pep talk we all fall out of the bus. (or some people have felt the need to tell me that my precious family reminds them of clowns getting out of the car, “they just kept comin” haha) So for entertainment sake lets pretend that we pile out of a little ‘ole Volkswagen Bug! We all stand side by side holding hands taking up half the length of the parking lot as we walk in (imagine that there is a way cool them song playing while we walk across the parking lot, something like Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive) We make it inside the store and grab a cart, I start throwing kids in while the big ones argue over who gets to push.  I look up from my work and notice the smug look and slight head shake I’m getting from a, well we’ll call her “nice”, lady.  I look her in the eye as she is silently counting my children and say “What? Haven’t ya ever seen a mama bring her kids to the store to shop for their daddies?” (notice I used Daddies in the plural form, yes as in a different Daddy for each one) Muahhhahahahaha, Just kidding, I totally didn’t, but imagine what the look on her face would have been had I actually said that!

After Atwoods, we head to the mall!  Once we get to the mall we hit a few stores pretty uneventfully until I stop in Hallmark on our way out. Which by the way is NOT a good store to take 5 boys and 1 girl who thinks she is a boy into! They really should reconfigure the lay out of their store! Anyhow, as I’m swatting hands back and hollering “stop that, don’t touch” I meet a man who finds my situation comical:) As he is chuckling he says “Boy, you got your hands full don’t ya?!” He continues to walk away but then stops and says (because obviously this is an important question) “Hey, I didn’t even ask…are they ALL yours?” I shake my head yes. Laughing even harder now he points towards us and says “Look Honey, better her than me huh?” hahaha.  Oh boy, the things people say! Boy, he doesn’t know how lucky he is that I prayed for sanity and patience before I went shopping, does he?!?!!! LOL.  After taking a quick break at the water park, we end our Father’s Day shopping extravaganza at Wal-Mart with Snookums. In Wal-Mart Snookums and I divide and conquer.  He takes half to the hunting and fishing department, while I take the other half to get what I need.  After I’m finished gathering all my items my half and I join Snookums, I turn the cart down the aisle to find Snookums talking fishing lures with his new pal, Gently Used Gent (image a very big, loud, country boy). When I join the pair, Gently Used Gent, or lets call him G.U.S. looks at me and says in a boisterous voice “you do have a brute of kids don’t ya!” insert knee slapping and lots of laughing here. “Oh boooooy, that’s a lot of kids! I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many before (he’s obviously exaggerating, I mean come on, who hasn’t seen 19 kids and counting) They all yours?” Snookums chuckling says “Yes, Sir they are” G.U.S. continues with “Don’t you know what causes that?” Okay, at this point I magically freeze the scene (like they do in movies) and I think to myself, OMG (said in my most annoying “valley girl” voice)  here’s my chance to use one of my witty comebacks! Unfreeze scene. “Well of course we do, that’s the problem” says me:) Ummmm I should definitely rethink who I use my witty comebacks to in the future! My reply to G.U.S.’s question seems to really get him all excited, he starts laughing loudly again and he says to Snookums…..”How’d ya find one like her (talking about me) I gotta get me one of those! oh man, and she likes to fish! Wow, I’m gonna give you my number in case you find another one” At this point you are probably wondering if this really happened….yes, yes it did! He not only gave Snookums his number once but by the end of the conversation he had given it to him THREE times!! Oh I’m telling ya, the things people say!

Thank you for stopping by and reading my newest one!! If this one put a smile on your face and made you LOL then please share, share away with your friends! I appreciate you ALL! Have a Blessed day:)

XOXOXO~

~Mommamamom~ 

 

***Disclaimers***

***Snookums nor I condone childhood cussing and neither should you;) If you or someone you know suffers with this please seek help immediately.

***I would never really rip my child’s voice box out.

***Most days the things people say to me do not bother me. I actually get a kick out of them! So if you know me personally and are now racking your brain trying to remember what you have said to me in the past…STOP…and don’t worry I’m sure you’ll remember when you read about it in my blog:)