Monthly Archives: August 2014

a child lost…

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Dear Mommy,

Sometimes I get scared at night and cry for you, sometimes I feel like you’re lost and I’ll never be able to find you. But don’t worry Mommy, the nice lady brought me to a pretty house. There are lots of kids here, and there is a Mommy and a Daddy here! My new people gave me a clean new bed, new clean clothes and toys to play with. I learned about God, Mommy! Did you know that God loves you? Even when you’re bad he loves you. They give lots of hugs here but Mama they aren’t as good as yours. I like it here, but I miss you, I want to be with you. Mommy, why did you leave me alone? I was scared, that’s why I went to find you. I’m sorry Mommy, that I got taken away by the people with the flashing lights. I’m sorry I made you yell at me. I’m sorry I made a mess with your lip crayon, I promise if you let me come home I won’t ever touch it again. I’m sorry I left and now you have to miss me. Do you miss me Mommy?

Mom, why weren’t you there for me? Are the drugs more important than me? Do the late nights and all the men make you happier than what I can? I’m mad at you Mom. I am so angry, I just want to hit someone! These people here don’t understand. They think I’m just trouble. They don’t understand that I want to be good. I want to be happy. I want to be apart of their family. I want them to love me. I want to be wanted. I need to be loved. I try and control my anger but I have so many feelings. I feel like I’m drowning, like I’m going to explode, I feel so lost. Sometimes it gets so bad that I break things and at times the only thing I know to do is scream. I get so mad I take it out on the nice people. I know it’s not their fault, but who’s fault is it Mom? Is it mine?

Mom, what does it feel like to be high? I’ve been thinking maybe if I do the same thing you do, you’ll want to be with me again. I would do anything to make you proud of me. I remember the look in your eyes and the smile you would have when you would finally get your ‘medicine’. Does it make your sadness go away? Would it make mine disappear? I am so sad Mom, I just want to lose myself in another world. I just want to be good enough for you. I think if I do enough bad things, the nice people will get tired of me. Maybe if I’m mean they’ll make me leave and then I can come back home to you. Will you let me come back home? Would you give me another chance? The family I live with now are real nice, I feel safe here, but Mom they aren’t you. Mom, I just want to be with you again.

Mother, I want you to know that I still love you. I am so thankful that I have a chance at a better life, I feel like I’m finding my place in this crazy world. I still have my days, but mostly I’m not angry with you anymore. I know now that you only knew what you were taught. I know now that the drugs and alcohol took a strong hold on you and didn’t let go. I know now that some people aren’t strong enough to break the cycle. But Mother, I want you to know that I am. The bad stops here. I will not continue down your path, I will pave my own. I will create a life for myself to be proud of. Some days I still wonder why I wasn’t good enough, but then I am reminded that I am worthy. I am reminded that none of this was my fault. I am reminded everyday, several times a day that I am loved. I am wanted. Mother, I know you would love my new family. We have so much fun together, they are really good people. They are the ones that remind me and reassure me that I can and I will be somebody and something to be proud of! I want you to know Mother that I am happy. I am so very happy! My new family has taught me what it feels like to be in a family so now when I have my own I will know how to be a mommy. They taught me that I had to love myself first so that I could give my love to others. Mother, this will be the last time I write to you. Please know that I’m ok, and that a piece of my heart will always belong with you. I have been found Mother, I have been adopted! I have to go now, I have to let go now.

Love,
Your child…