It all started Saturday morning. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to the birds chirping and a gentle breeze rustling my bedroom curtains. Hahahaha, okay, okay, so I rolled outta bed around 9 to a horrid screeching noise that sounded like it was painfully escaping…is that Why for, no, nope, definitely not, its Sporty McGee! You see Sporty McGee thinks that these God awful, unnatural, throaty sounds that he can make are cute. So FAR from cute, bordering on, if you don’t stop I’m going to rip you voice box out! Anyway, I scramble out the tangled mess of blankets that have unsuccessfully tried to eat me in the middle of the night. I’m. Going. to. strangle. that. child. Or maybe I’ll just have to breathe on him and the stank from my morning breath (post hot tamales before bed party) will silence him into submission. I start screaming “Sporty McGee SHUT IT! Everybody, get dressed quick, we got us some shopping to do!” The kids all of a sudden burst out into excited chatter, “oh shopping!” “Mama, I want an Xbox One” “Can I get Titanfall?” “Bad A** I need some new shoes!” My head jerks around as I’m clearing my throat, “Ummmm excuse ME Sporty McGee, what did you just say?” insert awkward silence here. (Sporty McGee frequently forgets he just a young pup) “I said awesome Mom, I need some new shoes” insert oops busted, smile here. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said” I say this as I’m giving him the eye. The eye as in ‘boy I’m gonna whoop yo butt’, the eye as in ‘yo betta watch yoself’, or the eye as in “SHE’S GONNA BLOoOoOW!” ~ “Oh silly children, we aren’t going shopping for you! Tomorrow’s Father’s Day, we gotta go get your Daddy something.” I explain in my best fairytale telling voice. As I’m sure most of you know, a fairytale telling voice is one that is spoken in a sing song manner. “Now get dressed PRONTO! I’m leaving in 5.” hahaha! Yeah right maybe 5 minutes in a Walgreens world (remember those commercials?)
Sooooo, an hour later we are all piled in the car ready to start our Father’s Day shopping extravaganza…first stop Atwoods! We roll into Atwoods and SCORE (my life is all about “winning” these days) find a spot right next to the cart return! Oh yes, the days of parking as far away from that monstrosity so the car doesn’t banged up are loooong gone! Psshhhh! Besides, a dent from a runaway cart would go nicely with the side scratch from Butter Beans bike:) After I pull into the coveted spot and throw the bus into park, I bow my head dramatically as if I’m praying(I actually am praying for my sanity and patience) but I do this to quiet the congregation. When I dramatically bow my head my little stars usually start saying “I didn’t do it!” before they quiet and listen to what the Big Kahuna has to say. I slowly turn to face them and I speak in a quiet and gruff voice, I say “So help me Mother Mary, if ya’ll act up in here YOU WONT WANT TO SEE THE OUTCOME, make me proud kids, make me proud” After our little pep talk we all fall out of the bus. (or some people have felt the need to tell me that my precious family reminds them of clowns getting out of the car, “they just kept comin” haha) So for entertainment sake lets pretend that we pile out of a little ‘ole Volkswagen Bug! We all stand side by side holding hands taking up half the length of the parking lot as we walk in (imagine that there is a way cool them song playing while we walk across the parking lot, something like Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive) We make it inside the store and grab a cart, I start throwing kids in while the big ones argue over who gets to push. I look up from my work and notice the smug look and slight head shake I’m getting from a, well we’ll call her “nice”, lady. I look her in the eye as she is silently counting my children and say “What? Haven’t ya ever seen a mama bring her kids to the store to shop for their daddies?” (notice I used Daddies in the plural form, yes as in a different Daddy for each one) Muahhhahahahaha, Just kidding, I totally didn’t, but imagine what the look on her face would have been had I actually said that!
After Atwoods, we head to the mall! Once we get to the mall we hit a few stores pretty uneventfully until I stop in Hallmark on our way out. Which by the way is NOT a good store to take 5 boys and 1 girl who thinks she is a boy into! They really should reconfigure the lay out of their store! Anyhow, as I’m swatting hands back and hollering “stop that, don’t touch” I meet a man who finds my situation comical:) As he is chuckling he says “Boy, you got your hands full don’t ya?!” He continues to walk away but then stops and says (because obviously this is an important question) “Hey, I didn’t even ask…are they ALL yours?” I shake my head yes. Laughing even harder now he points towards us and says “Look Honey, better her than me huh?” hahaha. Oh boy, the things people say! Boy, he doesn’t know how lucky he is that I prayed for sanity and patience before I went shopping, does he?!?!!! LOL. After taking a quick break at the water park, we end our Father’s Day shopping extravaganza at Wal-Mart with Snookums. In Wal-Mart Snookums and I divide and conquer. He takes half to the hunting and fishing department, while I take the other half to get what I need. After I’m finished gathering all my items my half and I join Snookums, I turn the cart down the aisle to find Snookums talking fishing lures with his new pal, Gently Used Gent (image a very big, loud, country boy). When I join the pair, Gently Used Gent, or lets call him G.U.S. looks at me and says in a boisterous voice “you do have a brute of kids don’t ya!” insert knee slapping and lots of laughing here. “Oh boooooy, that’s a lot of kids! I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many before (he’s obviously exaggerating, I mean come on, who hasn’t seen 19 kids and counting) They all yours?” Snookums chuckling says “Yes, Sir they are” G.U.S. continues with “Don’t you know what causes that?” Okay, at this point I magically freeze the scene (like they do in movies) and I think to myself, OMG (said in my most annoying “valley girl” voice) here’s my chance to use one of my witty comebacks! Unfreeze scene. “Well of course we do, that’s the problem” says me:) Ummmm I should definitely rethink who I use my witty comebacks to in the future! My reply to G.U.S.’s question seems to really get him all excited, he starts laughing loudly again and he says to Snookums…..”How’d ya find one like her (talking about me) I gotta get me one of those! oh man, and she likes to fish! Wow, I’m gonna give you my number in case you find another one” At this point you are probably wondering if this really happened….yes, yes it did! He not only gave Snookums his number once but by the end of the conversation he had given it to him THREE times!! Oh I’m telling ya, the things people say!
Thank you for stopping by and reading my newest one!! If this one put a smile on your face and made you LOL then please share, share away with your friends! I appreciate you ALL! Have a Blessed day:)
***Snookums nor I condone childhood cussing and neither should you;) If you or someone you know suffers with this please seek help immediately.
***I would never really rip my child’s voice box out.
***Most days the things people say to me do not bother me. I actually get a kick out of them! So if you know me personally and are now racking your brain trying to remember what you have said to me in the past…STOP…and don’t worry I’m sure you’ll remember when you read about it in my blog:)